I lie here in this bed, the blankets surrounding me. The fan is blowing softly and the sound lulls me sweetly. Yet I know that when I close my eyes I will leave this happy place. My sleep will be troubled, filled with merciless dreams. Images of your face, mouth twisted into a bittersweet smile, eyes a dull empty space. Telling me things that have me crying out in fright. Haunted nightmares. But I crave them, because it is the only time I can se you.

I know the curve of your face by heart now. The high cheekbones, hollow cheeks, The large blue eyes and over curve of your nose. Smooth skin and willowy stance. Mischief in you eyes as you look down at me. Slender hands, and barely there curves. The frailness about you. Like a porcelain doll glued together. A remnant of something once treasured that can't be let go.

I remember a time when you were more wholesome. When the spark of innocent happiness was still there. The will to live as you should... The will to live at all. The laughs we would have together over some frivolous thing. How we thought we were the world and nothing could break us down, or apart.

As time goes we mature and talk of god or the greater mysteries of life. The arguments and realizing you imperfections, my imperfections. As your innocence faded mine did as well. You became desperate for something you could never reach. A part of you was almost chaotic. I was becoming cold and sarcastic.

Yet we still talked and joked. We were there for each other. I would listen attentively about your new boyfriend and you would listen to my complaints about family. Those discussions we used to have seem childish and unimportant but I long for us to go back to those days. To the times when we were not quite so naïve and innocent, but not broken or resentful either.

Dark times came. The shadows in your soul becoming too much to bare. The thought of other people being happy while you suffered. The attention you deserved but never received. Nights when I would go to your darkened room only to hold you. To pour the solution over your wrists and try to put you on the mend.

I watched in fascination and in horror as you tried to fix yourself. The way you would go about trying out every boy you could. Looking for something to replace the gaping chasm in your chest. The love I had for you a twisted ache. Because you were getting father away. So deep in your own lies and righteousness. Telling yourself about love that you ‘knew’ you had. Meaningless crushes unreturned. And so the nights would go on, when I would comfort you, and you, you would cry.

My bitterness was almost overwhelming, my heart seemingly frozen.

“I love you, and if you were a guy I would be with you, because we have a connection like no other”

Stupid, foolish. Who needs passion filled nights for love? Is the emotion and tenderness not there? Your doubt caused my doubt. I wanted you to be happy above all else, I wanted to give you everything. When I was excited I wanted to tell you, when I was mad it was usually because of you, when I was lonely I wanted you. Is that not love? Is it not right?

Another man with money. A man who hurt you. A man you needed more than me.

It is hard to recall the times after. The choking dry sobs that would rise in my throat. The moisture in my eyes I would not allow to fall. Recalling your lost eyes and timid voice as they implored me. Feeling anger and ice set in.

But I think back on the days when we would sing nursery rhymes in the freezing river, chase phantom cats and drive at dark. But your life was something hectic. It was what you needed while I was a private person filled with pride and caution. But I broke first.

Tentative calls awkward meetings. But we fell back into pace. Laughing again comforting again. It was like we had never been apart. My heart was full. But you went back to the man I loathe the most and I voluntarily left you behind. Sick letters from the void in myself. Hatred and confusion. 

Fool me once shame one you, fool me twice shame on me.

But I had you again. The problems were worse my feelings shattered and torn. I didn’t know how to act anymore. But the ache inside when you weren’t there was too hard to ignore. Meeting new people pretending to care for them. I could leave them easily just as I had with all the other people I had known. Except you with an aura that beckoned, and allured me.

Phone calls at midnight, drunken mistakes. Laughter and happiness. Trust. Jealousy. Betrayal. I couldn’t take it. The emotions were swirling inside me overwhelming and destructive. I wouldn’t be beholden to you. Wouldn’t be hurt by your disregard. Your easy dismissal. I think you thought of me as a caged animal. Possessive you were and unwilling to share. My pride wouldn't allow it. My soul too tormented to let it go on. It hurt me to hear you crying, to hear your screaming. To dully listen to the mocking laughs of the others. To realize I hated them but would have to deal with it anyway. My mistake. The cryptic warning I left that you misunderstood.

The feeling of ice taking over.

Sometimes things in life just don’t work out. You can twist, bend and try to rearrange the shape until it cuts your breath off, but it won’t fucking work. It won’t because it’s fucked up, broken beyond repair. It’s too broken to be mended and what’s left of something that was once solid, is just a fragmented piece of debris and cracked up spoilt goods. And when that happens your forced to move your legs mechanically towards the direction of the to door to leave. Or your left to pick up the pieces, pretending everything is still fine, even though it’s killing you inside. So you’ve got two choices: To be a proud winner or a pathetic loser.

I am stuck with one foot out the door hearing the voices calling me to join them, but for some reason I can’t move, I keep looking back at your broken persona. Hearing your voice crying out. Your name passes my lips.


And I wonder… Do you think of me as much as I think of you?